i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
