I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I would fuck him just for his dog
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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