Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I enjoy the company of your penis
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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