I'm gonna have a badass scar
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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