glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
