He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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