how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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