a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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