bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
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