im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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