The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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