I faked an abortion last night.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
