cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
