i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
