Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
