Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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