I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
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