im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
