My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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