My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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