dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
