God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
