my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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