wrigley field is MILF paradise
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Life is so much better after having sex.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I will be naked everywhere
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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