I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize