i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
