Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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