No stitches, just platelets and will power
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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