# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
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