I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
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