Someone shit on the floor
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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