I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Randomize
