I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
