god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Can I color on your dick again?
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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