Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
