There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
