So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
