Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
