Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
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