I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize