I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
