Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
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