if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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