does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
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