Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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