You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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