you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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