well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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