If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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