I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
that is very illegal...i love you.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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