Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
