So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
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