i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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