I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
So apparently I’m into choking now
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