You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
