oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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