Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
