But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
and she was petting her beer can
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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