she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize