Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
